Happy Thanksgiving Y’all
Our Laughable Leader on the cover of The Golden Giblet, a quarterly magazine for the powerful in the poultry industry. Invite only.
Greetings employees.
Happy Thanksgiving. On this federally mandated holiday I want to wish you the best Thanksgivng possible. I know it’s been a. rough year, with layoffs and having to cut back on our 401K contributions, but rest assured your CEO’s pay is back in the Top 10. Shoutout to the Legal Team for finding some Bentley and LearJet shaped loopholes. We all have lots to be thankful for, and to demonstrate what an laudable leader I am, here are my Top 10 Things I’m thankful for.
#10 - I’m thankful for Rodri, my driver. Rodri, I did not appreciate you until after you were stricken with COVID this past four days. Your replacement Javi has been truly awful. Javi doesn’t know the brake from the gas, causing me to spill my doppio in the backseat. I’ve heard Bentley’s are a fickle beast to tame, but I’m thankful for your gentle acceleration and lack of talkativeness.
#9 - I’m thankful for Grace, my cleaner. Grace knows exactly how I want my garments pressed and hung. She crisps the pantlegs just right, and uses plenty of starch so my unexpected hard-ons don’t get noticed. Your minimum wage salary saves me millions in settlements annually. Kidding. Wink.
#8 - I’m thankful for Hector, my coyote. Hector safely and reliably oversees hundreds of border crossings each year. Without his leadership out labor costs would soar. Hector, you should probably be hire on the list, but I’ve never met you so that kind of cancels that out.
#7 - I’m thankful for Emilio, my tailor. Now that I”m back in the Top 10 for CEO pay the galas, magazine interviews and speaking circuit requests have returned. Emilio makes sure I’m at my stylish, contemporary but not too flashy best each and every day. Your hands know every inch of me and for that, I am thankful.
#6- I’m thankful for Rosie, my assistant. Rosie, where would I be without you? Seriously. Well realistically In the same place, but without that tinge of horniness I get from looking at your backside. For that I am mucho gracias.
#5 - I’m thankful for Rory, my defense lawyer. Rory, you scoundrel. I plead the 5th. You taught me all I need to avoid settlements and cancellation attempts. You’re forever on my speed dial. I’m truly blessed with access to your very, very elite services.
#4 - I’m thankful for friends, in high places. Thank you to my inner circle of SEC and FBI informants. Your support, and advance notifications of raids has been instrumental this year. The donations won’t stop coming!
#3 - I’m thankful for Claudio, my personal chef. Your mastery with aubergines and dauphinios still impress me. You are truly a master of your craft.
#2 - I’m thankful for Victor, my contractor. We wouldn’t be enjoying the first half of Thanksgiving break in the Caymans, and the second half in our chateau in Vail without your hard work. No one said a 24,000 sq ft chalet could be built in 4 months. But you, me and Hector no all things can be bought.
#1 - I’m thankful for your hard work, and continued silence. I do admit, conditions are horrible for you in the factory, but your ability to kill those pigs, chickens and cows so consistently is truly astonishing. Let the bleeding carcasses remind you of what might come your way if you speak to a reporter, or anyone without a company badge..
Sincerely,
Callous Caucasian CEO