Workplace Persona # 6 - Fitness Freak Frank
Introduction:
You may know a Frank.
Frank drinks a green juice each morning.
Frank wears t-shirts that are too tight.
Frank talks non-stop about macro-nutrients.
Frank professes the benefits of strength training.
Frank is into fitness.
Frank is freakishly strong.
Now you’ve met Fitness Freak Frank. (FFF)
Observations:
Observation # 1: You can tell the wealth of FFF’s by the color of their sports drink. Frank’s have gotten suckered into things like AG1, Kachava and Huel. All drunk in a clear smoothie container, to show off their commitment to fitness. The latest and greatest trend in healthy sports drinks is green algae. Poor FFF’s stick with what works, a gallon of milk with water in it. It might even be the same one they used on the wrestling team in high-school. Hell, they might even be wearing the same sweats they wore on the wrestling team.
Observation #2: You know FFF’s workout routine because he tells you about it. Lats, then triceps, then biceps. In that order, every time on Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other Monday. Strength training on Wednesdays and Fridays involves kettle bells. Boy, do I want to hit Frank with a kettle bell.
Observation 3: FFF’s are very concerned about what he eats. The body is a temple. Garbage in garbage out. And blueberries, always fuckin’ blueberries. Frank is obsessed with something called macros. You don’t know if he’s strangely concerned about macro-economics, or VBA macros. Either way, those are out of character and can’t be it. Oh, just googled it. Macros are proteins, carbs and fats.
Observation 4: FFF’s is always joining the latest fitness cult. Crossfit, Orangetheory, F45. You name, Frank’s been there. And now is waiting for the perfect franchise opportunity so he can combine his love of ogling women, lifting weights and dreaming of more money into one obsession.
Observation 5: FFF will be a junior level engineer, forever. Frank can move mountains but can’t use his muscle to get a promotion. Now that nerds are in control of promotions, they use their brain power as leverage over Frank’s physical power. Karma’s a bitch Frank, guess you shouldn’t have pummeled those poor nerds in high-school.
Are you a Frank? Take our quiz to find out!
1. Have you ever seen ads for AG1 or listened to a Chris Williamson podcast?
Yes, absolutely, everyday,
No
Yes, but I don’t want to admit it.
2. Have you ever signed up for a free fitness week at a Crossfit, Orangetheory, F45? Or for you geezers, ordered a P90X DVD?
Fuck, yeah.
Fuck. Closed eyes in shame. Yes
No.
Hell no man, I know better.
3. Have you ever gone into a Lululemon, Athleta or Vuori to look for performance loungewear?
Yes, head hanging in shame.
Yes, but I do need something stretchy when I squat.
No, I go in to cruise for chicks.
No, I know Athleta is a women’s only store you jerk.
4. Last, and not least, have you ever had callouses on your hands from lifting weights?
Yes, this is a point of pride. Picking off dead skin in meetings proves I’m a badass.
Yes, but it throws off my daily moisturizer routine.
No, I’m not that serious.
No, the only callouses I get are from my intermittent use of that acoustic guitar I bought in college. Still can’t play a damn F chord.