Workplace Persona # 7 - Insecure Over-Achievin’ Ian
This dumb bastard has to stay late and work hard, because deep down, Ian hates himself.
Introduction:
You may know an Ian.
Ian went to the finest business school.
Ian is always doing more than necessary.
Ian is fueled by a deep insecurity.
Ian thinks if achieving is good, over-achieving is better.
Ian is wrong but doesn’t know it.
Now you know Insecure Over-Achievin’ Ian.
You know IOAI.
Observations:
Observation 1: IOAI loves to talk about his MBA program. I don’t care that Michigan, Georgetown and Wharton all accepted you to their prestigious programs. All I care about is that you stop talking about how big the Michigan football stadium is. I don’t care. Oh, and from the quality of your work, looks like you paid for a very expensive network, and not an actual education, because this proposal blows.
Observation 2: IOAI is the first person to criticize their own work. They always beat me to it. Ian’s would rather criticize their work up-front, because that’s in their control. “Oh I just put the finishing touches on this late last night, so apologies for any typos”. Ian believes self-inflicted wounds hurt less than real feedback. In this case you’re right, I’d rip your shitty proposal to shreds Ian. Good call.
Observation 3: IOAI will burn themselves out for validation and reward. Unable to counteract their negative self-talk, Ian’s will do anything for validation. Bring you a coffee? Write an extra page to explain their rationale for a long-term investment in machine learning and AI? Be the only sucker to manage the dreaded Business intelligence team??? Ian’s will do that, no matter the cost. They only want to get ahead and hear a “job well done”. Too bad Ian, I’ll tell you a good job when you do a good job. Next project please.
Observation 2: IOAI can never knowingly make a sub-optimal decision. Ian’s try to optimize everything. They travel further, to more exotic places, and more frequently than their “B-school friends”. Ian’s obsess over credit card benefits, and brag about their time in airport lounges. Ian’s $500 a year credit card practically pays for itself with 3 international trips. If you’re wondering, it’s a Chase Sapphire Reserve and The Points Guy agrees it’s the best!!! If you want to fuck with Ian, tell him there’s a new exclusive credit card out there. It’s sleek, black, made of titanium, gets you business-class anywhere for free…. and you just can’t remember the name…
Observation 4: IOAI’s love to talk about how things should be. Perfection is their purpose. Anything that disrupts this ideal state will send them into a tizzy. Does the team not prioritize properly? Are they not using a standard metric to evaluate ROI? Is there a comma where a colon should be?? They won’t be able to refrain from talking about it, or signing themselves up to fix it.
Observation 5: IOAI’s are uncomfortable with comfort. Ian’s think pain is a requirement for progress. They’ve been hurting their whole lives and think a moment of a reprieve is a good time to sign up for more work. Nah Ian, that’s a good time to go to the driving range.
Observation 6: IOAIs don’t accept the praise that is given to them. For Ian, a complement is a setup for a joke. They question “thanks” or, “I appreciate the help” as some kind of covert language for “I didn’t do a good enough job”. Well Ian, the joke’s on you buddy! You’re doing a good job, don’t know it, and won’t believe a compliment when you hear it.
Suggestions:
Suggestion 1: Take a shower, you reek of fear. Insecurity is just a soft word for fear. You’re afraid of failure and we can all see it. Similar to cancer, you need someone to diagnose the problem. Call me doctor, because I can see it, smell it and my prescription is to wash that stench of fear from your Tuck-It shirt.
Suggestion 2: Lighten up! In terms of a diagnosis, this is standard stuff. Everyone is insecure about something. The first suggestion was just a way to get your attention. Now that you’re all clean and know what the issue is, chill out bro’.
Suggestion 3: Chill out, no one cares. I say this with love Ian, “no one cares about you”. Now that you’re freed from your existential worry about success, do what you want. If that’s still work hard, good on you. If that’s take an edible and use that vape pen during meetings, I won’t say a thing.