Workplace Persona # 9 - Precisely Pedantic Peter
Introduction:
You may know Peter.
Peter is curious.
Peter loves words.
Peter has to know what is correct.
Peter can’t handle ambiguity.
Peter is painstakingly precise.
Peter is pedantic.
Now you know Precisely Pedantic Peter.
You know PPP.
Observations on this painstakingly precise co-worker.
Observations:
Observation #1: PPP’s would be burning to tell me that “precisely” and “pedantic” are almost redundant. Peter looks like he wants to talk to you, and finally gets up the urge to say, “Well I think you don’t need to use both of those words. If someone is concerned about the details, they are being precise. A pedant is obsessed over the details, so you could of just said Pedantic Peter”. Precisely the point you prick.
Observation #2: PPP’s ask questions. So, so many questions. “Excuse me. Can someone tell me what the point of this meeting is? What are you doing here? When you say Monthly Active Users, what is your definition of active? Actually, what is your definition of month? Are we using the Gregorian, Roman or Lunar calendar?”. Slow down PPP. Breathe, you’re hyper-ventilating and simultaneously pissing everyone else off. That’s quite a talent, but cool it.
Observation #3: PPPs stand alone at parties. Their thirst who scientifically valuable but socially useless knowledge is why buildings stand and they stand alone at parties. Peter’s fill their heads with obscure laws, formulas and principles which give them clout with nerds, but separate them from normal humans. “Have you heard of Wiio’s laws of communication?”, “Did you know the Pythagorean Theorem has been around since Egyptian times?” Only engineers are interested in this level of minutiae.
Observation #4: PPP’s love definitions. You’re not sure where they place on the spectrum, but two pocketbook dictionaries can’t be far from the end. In one pocked is MErriam-Webster (MWD) and the other is Oxford’s Dictionary of English (ODE). I have, many times, wanted to ask, “Why two dicts?” But not pronounce the “t”, and emphasize the non-existent “k”.
Observation #5: PPP’s are incapable of laughter. I think the funny bone got replaced by a pedantic bone at the let’s -crank-out-annoying-but-really-good-software-engineer-factory. In response to my previously hilarious dick joke, Peter might say, “ Two dictionaries you mean? All I heard was that you have poor diction”.
Observation #6: PPP’s are capable of dry, sardonic wit. This doesn’t not change point five! They will deliver lines you did not see coming, but still not move a facial muscle associated with a smile. They are either a master at a deeper, drier, more biting sense of human then I am aware of, or they’re obtuse. This I cannot reconcile. Help.
Suggestions:
Tips for a less painful interaction with a PPP.
Suggestion #1: Never, under any circumstance play a board game with PPP. Reading board game rules is the closest PPP’s get to horny. God forbid you have to learn a new game together. Their relentless questions, need for precision and definitions will ruin everyone else’s time. I know Settlers of Catan, Wingspan and Exploding Kittens all sound like fun… but do not proceed. Find an excuse of any kind, and silently step away from the table. You won’t regret it.
Suggestion #2: Build a VR simulator to price patience and running away from PPPs. You know the clossic police training simulator with criminals or old women popping out from behind garbage cans? It is time we built one like that but for a Product Manager who needs to get from one side of the office, back to their desk, without being seen or questioned. If that’s too easy, play on hard mode, where you are wearing a graphic tee… of a Marvel of DC comic character. Good luck buddy, you need all the practice you can get.